ACT

This morning I took the ACT...the first real test I've taken in probably 2 and half years. It was hard, but we knew it would be. It's hard for people who have been in school. I just tried to finish every section, and I did. That was my goal. There were a lot of questions that I had no clue what it was talking about, so I just picked which ever answer looked nice. I tried not to stress too hard, but if you know me, you know that's hard for me. You see, before I got sick I was one of those people who did their homework right when they got home from school. I studied for everything and was a great student. School was easy for me, and I got good grades.

As you can imagine, this has been such a huge transition. I went from being on the honor role, to not knowing if I would graduate when I got sick. I had to stop going from school, and school became the least of my worries. I had bigger battles to fight. It's been very hard to accept, but there is no other option.

I have problems now from the Lyme and just not being in school. My concentration is not like it used to be. My memory and comprehension have suffered a lot. It's frustrating. My brain just works differently now, and I am having to re-train it to do things. Just like if you haven't stretched a muscle and you use it, it's not going to work how it used to and it's going to hurt. The brain is the same way. I've lost a lot of the knowledge I had before I got sick. I don't know if once I refresh the information it will come back, or if I'll to learn it all again. I think most of it will be math and how to retain information. It's so very frustrating to feel so behind and like I know nothing. I know that's not true, but it feels like it sometimes.

I'm sure when I start college, it will be hard to get back into school. But slowly I will do it.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13


I think I am going to be a nursing major. I have a passion for that and want to help people. I don't see it as a job, it's a ministry. I would have never wanted to be a nurse if I never got sick. How amazing is that?

So as I start to get ready for college, I will trust God and His plan. A lot of times I don't understand(like today and the school issues). But He says to lean not on my own understanding.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Update 1/26/11

I forgot to mention that last week we decided that there's no way I can graduate. My mom has to go up to the school and sign papers to remove me. I'll just have to get my GED. With 2 major surgeries and 6 weeks of recovery for both, so many ER visits, hospitalizations, and just being sick this semester, I just can't finish school. I'll post about it later.
Monday I had an appointment with the gynecologist. We thought I was going to start the injections (Lupron) that would shut everything down, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. He said that that will take too long to start working. Right after surgery, I had asked his nurse if by waiting this long, it would give the cysts and endometriosis a chance to come back, and she said no. Well obviously she was wrong. I can't believe this is happening again. The ruptured cyst makes my legs, abdomen, and back hurt. He said I have fever because of the internal bleeding and inflammation. So I feel extremely terrible. We asked how long it will take for the pain to get better and for the internal bleeding to go away and he said two weeks. I don't understand how with my surgery, he said that he would have done emergency surgery even if I would have just had one of the problems I did (which a ruptured cyst was one of them), and now he tells me to just wait and deal with it. I'm on SO much pain medicine, and it doesn't help. Between Percocet, Loritab, and a strong anti-inflammatory, you would think that I would not be in pain, but that's not the case. I cry a lot of the day because I hurt so much. And it's not like I'm a wimp who can't handle pain. I have such a high pain tolerance, even the surgeon said that after my surgery. I've thought about taking myself to the ER again multiple times a day and demand to be admitted. I haven't really eaten since Friday night because I'm nauseous and I just feel too bad. I eat a little here and there but not much.
So today I had an ultrasound. I really don't know why, I just know that it hurt a lot. And of course insurance wouldn't cover it, so we had to pay full price.
What is the plan now? I have no idea. I guess just trying to keep me comfortable. I'm sure it will get better soon. If not, surgery is sounding really good about now because at least there would be an end in sight. Last time I checked, internal bleeding was NOT a good thing and there was no "let's just wait and see". It was an emergency situation and needed attention IMMEDIATELY. I just don't understand why I'm allowed to lay here and cry in pain from internal bleeding and be told to wait it out. My stomach and pelvis are full of fluid and blood, that doesn't seem okay to me. It doesn't make sense.
We'll see how the next few days go.

Why I'm still not in school.

I get asked this question a lot. "Why can you do other things, but not go to school?"
I hate when I feel like I have to validate how sick I am, but I completely understand why this doesn't make sense to people.
Again it has to do with an invisible illness. If people see me out, they assume I'm 100% better and feeling good. This is not the case.
I cannot go to school for several reasons.

• I constantly run fever. You can't go to school with fever or you'll get sent home.

• My immune system. Do you know how much sickness is in school? I can't afford to catch every cold and flu that goes around.

• Weakness. There are days that I can't do anything but lay there. I can't even shower because I'm so weak, much less walk around the whole school, climbing stairs, and carrying books.

• Fatigue. This isn't just "I'm tired fatigue". It's wow! My body just isn't working.

• Brain problems. I hate the words brain fog because it sounds like a made up excuse. But my concentration, memory, and just brain function has decreased. I'm doing well if I can work on school at home for 30 minutes at a time.

• Medicine. I have been on pain medicine most days for about 3 months now for various things. I can't go to school on Loritab. Bad idea.

• Medicine schedules. Whether it be IVs or mixing liquid meds or taking them every hour sometimes, that just can't happen in school.

• Doctors appointments and tests. I have so many appointments and tests that are during school time. I've spent 11 weeks at my doctor in Nevada. You can only miss school for a few days each semester.

• General feeling. I can no way sit in school everyday because of pain, fatigue, migraines, dizziness, chills, fever, body aches, and different symptoms. Imagine trying to go to school or work EVERY day with the flu.

• Sleep issues. Generally, I am sleeping better. I still have nights where I don't sleep because of pain and other things. To be able to walk around the whole school and climb the stairs in the school, you need to be rested.

• ER trips. I go to the ER a lot. Sometimes during the day, sometimes at night. Sometimes I stay overnight. Again, I would miss so much school, that I wouldn't get credit for any of my classes.

Now, the reasons I can do some things like go to church, go out to eat, and things like that.

• They are only a couple of hours. Unlike being in school, if I don't feel good, I don't have to go anywhere. If I get somewhere and I don't feel good, I can just go home. You can't do that with school. I would not get credit because I would miss so much.

• Most times, going to church is the ONLY thing I do all week. I have to prepare by resting the whole week so that I can go to church on Sunday. The recovery period after that one day is then all week. When people see me out, they don't realize that that is the only time I have left my house all week.

• I'm allowed to be on medicine when I leave my house, unlike at school. Sometimes the only reason I can leave my house is because of pain medicine. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. Whether it be pain medicine for migraines, or general body pain, I'm forced to take it or I'll end up in the ER.

I hope this helps you understand more about day to day life for me. If you have any other questions, just leave a comment or email me and I'll answer them!

the Voice of Truth

I can't believe that it is November! My dad has been gone to Honduras with the preacher from our church since Saturday! They are also going to Guatemala tomorrow I think and won't be home until next Monday.

Last week, my homebound teacher came and we went over the plan. I'm doing one subject at a time because it's really overwhelming to try and do all of them at once. Last Tuesday I started US History and yesterday I finished the whole class!! I did 31 chapters in 6 days. I have to say that I'm very proud of that. I worked very hard!

In this world, there are so many lies and statistics that we listen to. So many things keep us back from living our life to full. Lies tell us that we can't do something. Statistics tell us that we don't have a chance. But God tells us that that we can do it and that everything is for His glory. That is so reassuring. I love the chorus of this song.

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

This song talks about all the voices telling us we can't do it. But we should listen to the only true voice, which is Christ.

The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win
But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me
But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth

And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Rambling about nothing

I am so ready for all my favorite shows to begin again. When I don't feel good all I can do is watch tv, and let me tell ya, there is nothing on in the summer.

School starts in two weeks. What does that mean for me? Nothing really. Except that all my friends will be starting their senior year.

I would be starting my senior year in high school too, but thanks to Lyme Disease I'm not going to school anymore.

I haven't been to school in a year and a half. I miss it. A lot.

Instead, my days are filled with IVs, medicine schedules, shot schedules, and way too much fun. I would definitely go to school over that.

Also with school starting, that means that for several days a week it will just be me, myself, and I at home.

Oh and my dog. But he is unconscious all day until I get out the food. Then he miraculously comes alive.

He also comes alive when there is another dog within 200 feet of our house and suddenly becomes our "tough guard dog". How he senses a dog while he's unconscious I'll never know.

Also, why are there so many people who walk their dogs all day during the school year. Shouldn't they be at work?

Oh and my mom will be home with me some days.

I am officially obsessed with Mystery Diagnosis and Untold Stories of the ER and shows like that. They are a little dramatic though. Like when a patient comes to the ER with a pulse above 100 bpm and they tell them they are going to die and they shock them to restart their heart. Uhh my pulse is 100 bpm on a good day.

They also yell to someone to grab the crash cart because the patient is crashing when their blood pressure is 90/50. That is my blood pressure on a good day. I get so excited if my blood pressure is that high!

It's weird to watch those shows and see that symptoms that send people to the ER in a panic, are just things I have to deal with on a daily basis now. When you're seriously sick, you have to change your concept of a real emergency or you would be in the ER every single day.

Well that's all I have for today. I hope you're having a great week!

"The sun'll come out tomorrow so you gotta hang on till tomorrow, they'll be sun!" ...probably not though

It has been a long week! Last weekend I was really sick from the antibiotics. I haven't had another dose and we're waiting to see what the doctor wants to do. Ever since I've been really sick I randomly get a rash on arms. It comes and goes all the time. We asked the doctor about it and she said that I probably have the hands, foot, and mouth disease still in my system from when I had it when I was a kid. I thought it was weird that I could still have that virus in my body. I still have a different kind of rash on my back. We're not sure what it is from but it's been there for 3 or 4 weeks. My muscles have been twitching a lot which is a little annoying.
I also started steroids last week. I absolutely hate them. They make me feel weird and I don't feel like myself.

I haven't left my house at all this week..which makes everyday go by so slow. Plus it's been raining non-stop for a while. I'm ready for the sun to come out! Earlier this week my brother was home with a stomach bug. Apparently there are tons of viruses going around... swine flu, strep, stomach bugs, and everything else.

I've done a lot of my school work this week! I've been doing 2-3 lessons a day which is so much better than when I did 2 lessons a week. I really need more motivation though.

In the youth group at church we have a leadership team. Tomorrow night until Saturday we're having a retreat to brainstorm and figure out how to organize events for the youth group and how to get everyone involved. Usually the retreat is somewhere else but this year it is just at church. I'm so glad that we aren't actually going somewhere far away so that I can go! I'm trying to rest as much as I can and do a lot of IVs so that I can make it through the retreat. I'm really excited! It will be SO great to get out of the house and go somewhere that doesn't involve the hospital or doctors.

"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:16
"The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."
Psalm 121:5-8

I haven't uploaded any pictures lately so here are some from our trip to Europe last fall! These are some of my favorite pictures from Vienna! It is such a beautiful place!

I hope you have a great weekend!

Trading My Sorrows

*UPDATE*

It's almost 3am on Tuesday..I'm asking for prayers. I've been up all night with extreme throat and chest pain. I've really been struggling to breathe for the past hour and a half. My breathing is still really heavy and fast. I'm so dizzy and shaky from not being able to breathe. I'm so exausted. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers. It's going to be a long night.

I started homebound again last week. My teacher came out for an hour and a half and we worked on mostly Algebra. I'm trying to finish Algebra 2 and English 2 by December so that I can take the EOI test. Then I will work on Chemistry and World History. I'm really a semester behind. School is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I really haven't done any school work since March, so it's hard to get back into it. Plus, all my work is online, meaning I get distracted a lot. And there are a lot of distractions at home. To get those two subjects done by December I am suppose to do 3 lessons in each subject a day. I thought I was doing good by getting a lesson done every couple days..but she said that we just have to accept where I am and what I can do. It's hard though.
I had a great weekend! I hung out with friends and got to go to church! It was wonderful. I have a terrible cold and sore throat though. I feel like I have a sinus infection. I am so wiped out. I guess I got it from church. My teacher came again today but she didn't stay long. I tried to work on school but I felt so bad. She said not to worry about it and just rest. I'm learning to not worry about anything. Just take it a minute at a time. Be thankful for that minute.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (the message)

I go to the doctor in Seminole on Wednesday. So please be praying that it goes well and that she can help me. We're making progress. It's great that she has actually agreed to take on my case. Most doctors haven't even gone that far! I really really need a doctor that is not across the country..yes we'll keep going to the clinic in Nevada, but we need a doctor here in Oklahoma.

This is a link to the documentary that has just come out about Lyme Disease. The movie tells about how Lyme is becoming a silent epidemic in the US. It tells stories of how real the disease is. How the blood tests aren't accurate. It tells the story of how so many are misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia, MS, rheumatoid arthritis and so much more. It tells how the CDC says Lyme doesn't exist in some states, even though there are so many cases of dogs having Lyme is every single state. It tells the story of doctors being shut down because they treat a Lyme patient longer than the recommended 3-4 weeks of antibiotics. It tells the story of the political controversy of the disease-about how Chronic Lyme does exist. It tells the story of people knowing more about the disease they have than the doctor treating them. It tells the stories of people being rejected by doctors because their case is too difficult. It is a sad story. Sad that no one will listen and that people have to suffer so much. But it is also a story of great hope. Hope that there is something better to come. Hope that we can make a difference by telling our stories. We're trying to bring awareness to help those who are misdiagnosed or don't even know the disease exists. Because it is a serious problem affecting people in every state. Please go read the background of the movie and watch the trailer, and bring awareness.
http://www.underourskin.com/

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12

This is a great song about having the joy of the Lord.

Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans
I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down
For the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down
For the joy of the Lord
We Say
Yes Lord yes Lord
Yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord
Yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord
Yes yes Lord Amen
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For his promise will endure
That his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning"

I will be updating soon with what we find out at the new doctor. I hope you are having a great week!